Millfields Cricket Club
Nomadic London Cricket Team
Who's Who?
Tom Collis
What words describe
With the compassion of a large wasp that has been swotted away from the pint glass one too many times, Collis prowls the field as skipper displaying a ruthless streak that very often sees him waving departing batsmen from the crease with a sneer and a few choice words.
With the undoubted ability to bat all day if he wished, Collis invariably chooses not to use it and smashes a quick 50 before holing out to his favourite fielding position mid off. As a pacey bowler with a devastating slower ball, Mr Collis has talent in abundance on the field and was born to play the game of cricket. Unfortunately, he was also born to get pissed a lot a pump money into fruit machines, so he splits his time equally between the two activities.
Kevin McCaughan
Stylish, cavalier, reliable and feared.....Kevin's dress sense has never been better. Three times 'Beckenham's Sexiest Sweatband Wearer' in 1984, 1996 and 2002, Macca has recently accepted a 3 year contract to model 'Man at C&As' latest cricket section.
Having been voted in as Vice Captain at the 2005 AGM due to him being the only bloke under the age of 90 who bothered turning up, his record remains unprecedented, losing 0 of the 0 games he's captained.
Somehow keeping his regular No. 5 spot with an average that threatens to hit double figures one day, Kevin 'Thanks for turning up' McCaughan has built a bit of a reputation as owning some of the safest hands in the club. The look of dejection and acceptance on a batsman's face when Kev's under the ball is priceless.
In his spare time, Kevin likes to collect ornamental eggs and listening to the voices in his head.
Martyn Hewitt
It's not often (infact, never) that Millfields find themselves in a position where we're scoring so many runs it becomes slightly embarrassing. If that unlikely event ever does happen, step forward Hewitt. His self-confessed inability to hit the ball off the wicket, let alone the square, has inspired cricket retailers across the world to launch a range of cricketing slippers, cardigans and pipes in Martyn's honour. Despite recent efforts to up his scoring rate, it's only a matter of time before the Boycott of Millfields returns to his natural style.
Recently having resurrected his wicket keeping 'skills', sharing the duties with long-standing gloveman, Trevor Woolhouse, Martyn is an integral part of the recent shift in generation for Millfields and is a welcome addition.
Martyn enjoys long walks in the park and is looking for a like-minded individual (male or female), aged 17-70 with a good sense of humour, clean engine and excellent transport links.
Thomas Lines
Playing with a somewhat maverick and disrespectful approach towards the oppo's attack, Tom's idea of defense is Arsenal's back 4.
Starting off his Millfields career as a first change bowler, Tom now concentrates solely on his batting after the ECB complained that too many aspiring cricketers were either getting injured or scared by Tom's inability to bowl 6 deliveries without chucking down 3 beamers, bouncers or wides which are more comfortably taken by third man than the wicket-keeper. This may have been a blessing in disguise, however, seeing that his 'heart-in-mouth' style batting has certainly improved since last season and bowlers who don't take his wicket early on can expect to see quite a bit more of him once his eye is in.
You'd think that this improvement in form was down to long winters in the nets, perfecting each and every stroke for hours on end. In fact, Tom's discovery of the wonderful world of contact lenses is to thank for this return to form and was greeted with the exclamation 'Oh!! I can actually see the ball now'.
Rob Miller
Facing Rob Miller as a new batsman must be terrifying. At 22 ft tall, and with a chest measurement the size of post-op Jordan, the sight from 22 yards is intimidating.
That is until the big man starts to run up, at which point the tension floods away as Rob 'Fester/Kojak/Twinkle Toes' Miller prances up to the stumps with all the grace and elegance of a professional ballet dancer. But don't be fooled, thanks to his tall frame, Rob Miller is now established as one of Millfields opening pair of bowlers, generating bounce and movement from any surface.
Just try not to laugh too hard at his half arsed attempts to catch a ball one handed, or his mincing to chase a ball down, it's all just a facade, apparently!
Alex Speke
Alex Speke, all rounder (part time).
Alex is a bowler, capable of bursts of speed, but not that often and only in a following wind, usually his own. His economy rate and slower ball are infamous around Oxfordshire and London. Unfortunately he doesn't play cricket in either of those places so goes unrecognised most seasons.
He has several nicknames, which are not repeatable on this site but are repeated several times by his team mates during his run up. Over the past couple of seasons, the cricket has taken a backseat while the real game for all players is to stop Alex mid run-up in fits of laughter by coming up with an original variation on the theme.
Alex is pictured shortly before flying to a game.
Duncan Laber
Having perfected the ability to make even the simplest of catches look spectacularly difficult with an array of lunges and dives which make Jurgen Klinsmann look tame, Duncan 'that's one for the cameras' Laber has progressed into an integral part of a young and developing Millfields team.
Immortalised in Millfields folklore, during last years Somerset tour, when he totally unnecessarily somersaulted and rolled over a 3 ft fence to recieve a rogue cricket ball, repeating the act on the way back.
Add to these acrobatics in the field a talent to bowl line and length deliveries consistently, and you have the complete fielding package: flexibility, aggression and the tools to make a tired Millfields side laugh after a long day in the field.
With puberty surely only a few short years away, Duncan may yet develop a few extra yards of pace and push on to claim his place as the teams opening bowler.
The Ginger Army
These three provide varying talents with the bat and the ball, not to mention in the field, but don’t be surprised to see them rush off the field in the middle of an over to ensure they get home and are safely tucked in bed with a cup of cocoa before their ASBOs kick in.
Having spent all of their lives in and out of Youth Offender Institutes, their participation to the team is restricted to
Their dislikes are bright sunlight and factor 50 suncream.
Andrew Broadbent
Even at the age of 106, Broaders is still an automatic selection on the weekly team sheet. In 1994, Andrew's rather eccentric batting style was spotted by Michael Flatley and two years later, Riverdance was born.
Known to his playing colleagues as the Silver Fox, Andrew recently released a DVD entitled 'My 100 Greatest Comedy Run Outs' and is currently putting the finishing touches to his latest book 'Broadbent - The Wilderness Years'.
He likes gnomes
Trevor Woolhouse
Jack Russell, Alec Stewart, Alan Knott, Trevor Woolhouse - four great men, one obvious thing in common.........they've all got an 'L' in their names. The first 3 are also great wicket keepers, but that's just a coincidence.
Always the first to crack a joke or start a conversation, it's usually then that he realises he's on the cricket field and 2 more byes have just been conceded.
Trevor's input to Millfields has, for years, been excellent and vital to the ongoing existence of the club and he brings a lot more to the team than his cat-like reflexes.
He was recently surprised to have been offered lucrative sponsorship deals with Teflon, the non-stick frying pans, and a major cymbals company in the same week.
His favourite foods are Angel Delight and Pepperami
Mark Cooper
Mark “use the facilities” Cooper has two strings to his bowling bow – the full toss and the long hop. Both are used to great affect, alternating between the two to produce spells of bowling which epitomise the phrase ‘If I don’t know what I’m going to ball, how the hell will the batsman know?’.
Coops also has the uncanny ability to produce an absolute ripper, usually on the last ball of an over, teasing the captain into giving him one more – a ploy which has got him through his playing career since he first debuted for
When drunk one night last season after having done his 42nd Tequila slammer in celebration of career best figures of 8 - 0 - 112, Mark revealed his plans to take over
Paul Mahoney
Paul does the brilliant job of arranging our annual Yorkshire Tour - the highlight of the season for many of us. Unfortunately, no praise can be given to Paul for taking on this task seeing that he is in fact Welsh.
With the trip from Wales to London being slightly too much to do every Sunday (lack of commitment if you ask me!), we are only graced with the Welsh Windbag's presence for the week in Yorkshire. In a recent poll carried out by Which? magazine, 92% of Millfields players said that this was still 6 days too much. (the other 8% were unavailable for comment)
